We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Drunk is a universal language darling
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