All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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