someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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