He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
