So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
