Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
