I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He felt like a one man threesome
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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