were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
