I don't usually arrange sex via text message
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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