OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
