I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
