a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
