Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
