Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
