just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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