i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
