Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
