I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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