Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
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She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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