I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
