I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
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How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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