trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
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We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
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I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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