My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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