so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
They have beer where we have blood.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
