Cold hands, warm shart.
belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
