I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
