i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
