that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
