is your mom at the bar?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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