is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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