I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
