i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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