There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
