I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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