Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
