I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
