If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
