If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
