my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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