My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
