Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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