I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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