i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
