If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
