Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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