turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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