i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
