Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That accounts for only three of the penises
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
