I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
