if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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