Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
