I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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