why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
