i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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