i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
