this beer tastes like vomit already
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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