Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
