I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
sarcasm needs its own font
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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