the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Is Oprah even human
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
