tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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