You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
